Letters to Myself

19 09 2012

I’m a journal-er.  Yes, I’m a writer, so it would make sense that I journal.  But I really journal.  Lots.  And most of that never sees the light of day.  It’s the writing I know I’m not gonna share with anyone else, and therefore, I can be free to write anything.  Anything.  (Sidenote:  When I die, please burn all of my journals.  Thanks.)  Sometimes, I look back at my journals.  This can be either embarrassing, boring, engaging, or confusing.  Sometimes, it’s like reading a letter from my past to my present.  Sometimes, I wish I could write back.

Fourteen years ago this month, I wrote this:

I feel like I have so many ideas—so much energy—so many feelings—so much creativity—so many neat experiences—but am not yet wise or mature enough or ready to be able to truly express all of this.   Or is it that I’m not comfortable with it?  Is that it?  Or is it that I can express them but don’t know what to do with them after that (in a way I could support myself)?

Dear Past Self,

Please know that you will find ways to express all of those feelings and experiences (and more) over the coming years.  You will even be able to satisfy your severest critic–yourself.  And while we’re on the subject, be kinder to yourself.  You’re doing a good job;  you’ll have a good future.


Your Future Self

An Open Letter to My Single Friends

4 09 2012

Dear Lovely Single Pals,

I apologize if I’ve been annoying at all lately.  I haven’t been myself.  Well, I’ve been myself.  But not the myself that I’m–or you–are used to.  I’ve been the “dating someone….oh, now I’m in a relationship all of a sudden” version of myself.  And I’m not used to this version.  I’d forgotten that this version was available to me, honestly….after being so well-versed in the “single” version of myself for nearly six whole years.

To my horror–and perhaps even yours, my single friends–I have turned into a woman that misses her boyfriend when she hasn’t seen him in a day or two.  I know!  I’m that person now!  It’s like it’s not enough that I’ve met a person I really like who really likes me…..I have to SEE HIM A LOT.

Also I want to apologize for something else I’m sure I’ve done in your presence recently.  (And if I haven’t, I’m bound to, so go ahead and take this apology in advance, as well).  You were probably telling me a really great story and after you finished talking, I greedily took over the conversation with some twitterpated story about how wonderful my guy is or–even more goobery–how wonderful he thinks I am…..

In addition, I should beseech your forgiveness, dear friends, for beginning more and more sentences with “We…..”  Please know that this is as much of a surprise to me as it is to you.  Also, know that I am not unaware of all of the times when you invite me to something, that I am more and more likely to ask if it’s okay if I bring a guest…..  Don’t be afraid to lead into an invite by saying something like, “So we’re going to have a LADIES’ night….”  I should still be able to take a hint.

I appreciate your patience with me while I’m updating to this new version.  The rest of me has gone unchanged.



PS:  Oh, but do know that I am really happy and that I’m not just so self-conscious about all of this stuff that I’m not able to enjoy the delight and excitement of new love.  If you are unconvinced, I can tell you some stories.  Like for example, the other night, he said the sweetest thing……..

An Open Letter to Chicago

14 05 2012

Dear Chicago,
Why do you make it so hard to leave you–even if just for a fortnight or less?  I just wanted to go away for a little vacation.  I planned my trip so diligently–being away at a time when I had the fewest commitments.  Yet every day, I receive another invitation to something fantastic I’ll be missing.  Do you do this because you’re still jealous of Seattle?  I thought we worked that out.  Sorry to bring it up, but you have to admit that you haven’t offered me nearly as many fun things during the time I’m visiting Louisville.  Would you still be offering me all of these treats and opportunities if I wasn’t going back to Seattle for a bit?  I’m just going for a visit, I promise.  I’m with you now!  Don’t you trust me?

open letter to the drugs I just took

25 01 2012

Dear Sleepy-Type Cold Medicine,

I just took you, so you’ll pardon the formality of this letter, since we’re already more intimate than I make us out to be.  But I wanted to ask you a favor.  The begging of favors requires politeness and politeness requires a nice letter.  You know how it is.

I’m not much of a drug person.  (Sorry.  No offense.  But I should be honest.  I almost didn’t take you home with me today.  Goodness, this is no way to get on your good side, is it?  Well, please bear with me a moment more…)  You see, a little goes a long way (with drug-type things, that is), so I don’t often need much.

However, this awful cold I have has been torturing me for the last few days.  Last night, I tossed and turned and got barely enough sleep to get me through the day.  So, of course, I turned to you.

Your generic label, your “mixed berry” flavoring, your anti-histamine prowess, your promises of sound sleeps and cough respites……  Well, what girl couldn’t resist!  You had me at “marked drowsiness may occur.”  Ah, the sweet song of the siren!  When I got you home and ripped off your protective seal, I noticed a little something on your back that I hadn’t seen at the drugstore.  There it was, in black and white:

May cause excitability–especially in children.

Oh, no!  Dreadful warning!  I’ve been down that road before, handsome stranger.  And it wasn’t pretty.  So this brings us to that favor I was mentioning earlier on.  Oh, sweet prince, please be gracious and merciful and grant me drowsiness with absolutely no excitability whatsoever!  I beseech thee!

It is getting late, so I shall spare you any more of my verbosity.  Besides, it’s been an hour since I had you and frankly, this laptop is starting to behave like heavy machinery.

I’d like to thank you in advance for being kind.



PS:  Don’t take this the wrong way, but you didn’t taste anything like mixed berries.  I hope this was your one and only deception.

An Open Letter to the Idiot Who Wrote the Article, “Five Feminist Demands She Wants You to Ignore”

24 01 2012

To Whom It May Concern:

Ah, the internet…where just anyone can post their thoughts—whether they be mindful or misdirected—and have the whole world bear witness.  I read this article recently.  My first thought was to simply ignore the drivel—it was posted on Fox News, after all.  It’s obviously a sensationalist piece.  After reading it, it was still obviously a sensationalist piece, however, there was a part of me that feared that some might actually take it seriously.  Or worse, that the person writing it actually believed some of what they were writing.  The article is incompetently written, by the by.  Each section’s title is poorly (if at all) backed up by that section’s text.  But I’ll get more into that later.

In an effort to track down the author of said article, I went to askmen.com—apparently the source of this article.  If you don’t know about this website, suffice it to say that in mere clicking distance from one another you can find literary gems such as, “10 Reasons Why You Should Never Get Married” and “Top 10:  More Reasons You’ve Been Single Too Long”  …Not to mention, “How to Date on Facebook” and “How to Approach Women.”  Let me give you men out there a tip for the last two:  Don’t do it with this article.

Speaking of the obtuse article, let’s take a look at it, shall we?  Let’s start by listing the “Five Feminist Demands She Wants You to Ignore”:

I can carry my own bag!

Don’t objectify me!

I’ll pay my share.

I can think for myself!

I won’t be shackled into a marriage.

Oh, boy.  Where does one begin?  Let’s start with “demands” #1 and #3.  And just to be generous, I’ll add a #6:  Don’t open doors for me!  These all go into the same pot, as far as I’m concerned.  The problem with these is that it pigeonholes a man to choose between being either a selfish, impolite asshole or an asshole who opens doors for women only because he thinks they are the weaker sex.  Really?  These are the two choices?  Give me a break.  People are people.  If you’re not carrying any bags and someone is burdened with bags, you offer to help.  This is a no-brainer.  I can’t believe we’re still talking about this in 2012.

#2 is absolutely infuriating.  The thought that there is anyone who would say, “Don’t objectify me” and not mean it, is ludicrous.  Thankfully, because of this poorly written article, it’s clear that the author didn’t know what they were talking about.  Let me be unambiguous, oh anonymous bad writer:  Telling the woman you love that she looks really good in her outfit is not objectifying her.  My last statement is bound to insult everyone’s intelligence but yours, Askmen.com Essayist.  If I needed an actual example of objectification of women, I’m sure I need look no further than your website.

Alright, #4.  Again, simply reading it—juxtaposed with the title of the piece–it is an outrage.  But that’s what one expects from sensationalism.  (I wouldn’t even be typing this right now if I hadn’t been home sick for the last few days, otherwise, I’d have better things to do than to spend more than a minute dealing with this ridiculous article.  However, I’ve already watched a ton of movies online and spent way too much time playing Scrabble on facebook, so here I am.)  This section of the article unsuccessfully attempts to equate being thoughtful, courteous, and attentive to one’s partner with not letting them think for themselves.  What a moronic concept.

Last but not least, we have #5, which again, is a sensationalistic-header with a slight-attempt-to-placate-reality text.  The header boldly proclaims, in one fell swoop that ALL women say they don’t want to be married, when in fact, ALL women secretly want to be married.  It’s like a twelve year-old boy wrote this.  Wait.  That is unfair to twelve year-old boys.  The text beneath it goes on to state—with a slight hat tip to “exceptions to the rule”—that most women want marriage.  Well, here’s a new rule for you:  Women are people.  Men are people.  Some people want marriage.  Some people don’t want marriage.  Some people think they want marriage, but change their minds, and vise versa.

But that’s not all.  This anonymous columnist ends this piece declaring, “…women are a complete contradiction in terms.”  I’m not going to waste the reader’s time pointing out the author’s pronounced misuse of this common idiom.  So I will skip right to addressing what the author is trying to say—that women say one thing but mean something else all the time.  (Insert exasperated sigh here.)  Women are people.  People are different.  Not all women are the same.  Not all men are the same.  You can generalize until your head explodes, but you’re not going to get any closer to a healthy relationship with anyone in your life in doing so.  You also won’t improve your writing ability.


Amanda Rountree

An Open Letter to 2011

31 12 2011

Dear 2011,

Suck it.




PS:  2012 is gonna be incredibly beautiful.

An Open Letter to My Third Metatarsal

26 06 2010

Dearest Third Metatarsal (on my right foot):

Firstly I would like to apologize for having not been fully acquainted with you before the incident.  You seem like such a fantastic metatarsal, and if it’s any consolation, I’ve made much more of an effort to befriend not just you but your familiar on the left foot since your regretful injury.  What can I say?  We don’t know what we’ve got till it’s gone–or in this instance–badly, badly bruised.

But now that we’ve gotten to know each other a little bit, I feel it’s time to let you know how dreadfully sorry I am for all of those years of cheap-ass shoes.  Oh!  If I’d known that “saving” all that money by purchasing $10 shoes and walking miles and miles in them would only add up to me–years later–having to spend hundreds of dollars on custom made orthotics, well let’s just say, I would’ve made less trips to Payless over the years.  Oh, but there I go again–thinking of money!  What I should apologize for is simply not being fully aware of your importance, your abilities, and your needs.

Speaking of your needs, I had some questions.  Now, I know the doctor said I should stay off of you as much as possible, ice you, continue the ultrasound therapy, etc…  With all of that, he said that you’d be fully healed in three to six weeks.  Well, I’m certainly on board for making sure you get what you need!  I love you dearly and want nothing more than for you to be all comfortable and pleased again so that we can get around and be our active, frisky, and happy-go-lucky selves.  But I was wondering if we could talk about that time frame.  Um… would you be flexible with that at all?  I mean, if I throw in some light arnica massages, could we maybe move the scheduled healing up a week or two?  How about when I visualize you being contented and gratified?  Or even the little affirmations I’ve been giving you?  Is that helping?  Or is it your little joke–turning me into “that lady who talks to her feet”…?

Admittedly I haven’t truly known you all that long, but I don’t think you’d try to play a joke on me.  I feel like this whole thing is a bit of a misunderstanding-turned-accident.  So, now that everything is out there in the open, maybe we could put the pain aside and get back to being happy.  Yes?  I eagerly await your reply.  Until then, you shall remain in (er, higher than) my heart.

Respectfully Yours,